Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
