in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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