But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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