sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
