Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
