i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I checked into jail on foursquare
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
