i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
