I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
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