The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
