Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
