I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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