I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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