Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
