just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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