My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
