i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Randomize
