Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
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