So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
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