you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
