If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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