i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
