haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
