Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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