At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
