Soap is not a condiment
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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