The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
soo... how was my night?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
