I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
