I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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