when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I just threw up on my dentist
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
