Someone shit on the floor
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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