there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
