Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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