she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
