Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
