She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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