I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
