Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
