Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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