wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
