I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
