I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
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