Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
