the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
