the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
