first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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