Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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