I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
