Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
