anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
