I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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