Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
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